


Passing

by Nny11



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, College AU, Disaster Lesbians, F/F, Fake It Till You Make It, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Finally cross posting from Tumblr, First Dates, Fluff and Humor, Found Family, Hover Mom Luminara, Mild Angst, Mutual Pining, Roommates, Talking to all their friends and not each other, cw: anxiety, eventually they get together, fake dating au, no editing we die like meh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-03-09 20:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nny11/pseuds/Nny11
Summary: Barriss claims she's dating Ahsoka, Ahsoka agrees to go along with it, and both of them spend the next 6 months worrying the other will discover their crush on the other.Nobody is really surprised about this fact besides them.





	1. Luminara and Confirmation Bias

**Author's Note:**

> Barriss gets mad and panics. Ahsoka misses the point. Luminara is really bad about her confirmation bias, but she's also not /wrong/.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confirmation Bias
> 
> con·fir·ma·tion bi·as  
> noun  
> The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories.

Barriss surveyed the background view that the holocall would be able to pick up and hummed thoughtfully. The pictures were all leveled and she was displaying only the best ones she’d taken. She’d even remembered to put a few images in that had people in them. Her desk was clean and bed was made, she’d left out a few tastefully arranged datapads, and had a cup of steaming tea placed for herself. The tea was a functional prop for the call, Barriss was beyond nervous to talk with her mother.

It wasn’t that her mother was a mean person, but she was smart, to the point, and in perfect control of herself and her life. In person Barriss usually felt more like she was a growing tree being nurtured and seen to. With distance that felt a lot more like struggling, faking, and generally trying to look better off than she was. All she needed to do for this call was appear happy, confident, and relaxed.

Barriss nervously smoothed down the front of her sweater and double checked the holoprojector's range.

Her room was immaculate, her studies were going well, she had several “in class friends” that she could talk up as if they were real friends, and she was getting on well with her roommate.

_Happy, confident, and relaxed._

Barriss gave one last look in the mirror to make sure she was presentable before taking her seat. There were several traits that she shared with her mother, and timeliness was one of them. Precisely thirty seconds later Barriss accepted the transmission and waited for it to connect. While she had remained on Coruscant to attend one of the many universities packed into level 1000, her mother’s work had called her away. They’d agreed that Barriss would live in the shared university dorms. By “they agreed” she actually meant that her mother had eventually agreed to finance a dorm room for Barriss to help alleviate stress from a job, but required that Barriss not live completely alone. A two person apartment style dorm had eventually been agreed on. Barriss had a single room that was hers and hers alone, and Luminara got to know her daughter would get some social interaction.

As if university was about personal growth instead of growing one’s foundation of knowledge.

Barriss exhaled sharply through her nose. If she was already getting worked up about that old argument before the call even started…

The transmission finally connected, her mother appeared fizzing and crackling for a few seconds before snapping into some sort of clarity. Kashyyk was a beautiful world with a rich history and not very promising infrastructure deeper into the forest where her mother was no doubt camped with her wookie guides.

“Hello mother,” Barriss paused and was pleasantly surprised at the lack of delay as her mother smiled.

“Barriss, how are you doing?” Luminara’s voice itself was enough to actually put Barriss at ease.

She didn’t slump with relief but it was a near thing. Barriss loved her mother and missed her terribly, no matter how nervous she was about these calls. “I’m doing well, thank you.”

“Good, I’m sure your classes have been going well. Any new friends to speak of?” Luminara prompted, one eyebrow raised in hopeful expectation.

Barriss had prepared for this, without any hesitation she began to answer, “Actually yes, I’ve met a few people in my classes and we talk frequently.”

_Nailed it!_

Her mother smiled softly before speaking, “I am so glad to hear that. Any adventures so far?”

_Blast it!_

“Not yet no.” Barriss had not planned on this side conversation, why hadn’t she thought to plan for this side conversation?

There was a pause as her mother’s smile slowly faded. “You are friends with them outside of your coursework yes?”

Barriss had only ever discussed their coursework, plans for future classes, and career goals. “I believe we are well on our way to becoming better friends, yes.”

“Barriss…”

Her shoulders curved in without Barriss's permission. That disappointed tone was the worst thing that had ever happened in her life since the last time her mother had been disappointed in her.

“I know that your coursework is important to you, and I commend you for taking your studies as seriously as you have. That said, you know how important social integration and social networks are for collegial success-”

Oh no. Oh no, they were not doing this again. Finding her frustration and anger over this particular argument wasn’t hard to do, and gave her enough of a confidence boost to interject. “Yes mother, you never fail to remind me.”

Luminara jerked, staring at her as if she’d been slapped, then she leaned forward with a terrible frown. “Barriss, you know that I ask because I love you, because I want you to not just succeed but to be happy as well.”

“I’m plenty happy thank you,” Barriss mumbled into her mug of cooling tea.

“Barriss!” Her mother gasped.

Barriss had had enough, this debate was literally almost as old as she was! No more, Barriss decided. _I am a full grown adult living in my own place._ She practically slammed her mug down and took a deep breath ready to simply unleash her real opinions when her bedroom door opened.

“Hey babe, where’s the whipped cream? You know the one we were using for…” Ahsoka froze in the doorway, her eyes going wide in mortification before she yelped, “Hello Dr. Unduli! How are you?”

Ahsoka was normally a good roommate. She was surprisingly quite, made sure to keep the shared spaces clean, was willing to rotate out shared chores, and respected Barriss’s need for privacy. Ahsoka was also always inviting her out places, would talk incessantly when started, had no clue what she wanted to do after college, and had a very bad habit of giving everyone nicknames. Barriss had nixed her use of “Barry” and begged her not to call her “Ree”, and had eventually given up when Ahsoka resorted to a series of pet names. Kitten had already had its turn, then sweetling, but when she’d started calling Barriss “bae”...well she’d at least gotten her to agree to babe instead.

Barriss had never wanted to be called Barry more than she did right now. Especially with the way her mother was now smirking at her. The smugness radiating off of the holoprojector was palpable.

“I am well thank you. ...well, aren’t you going to introduce us Barriss?” Her mother spoke with a calm and even tone, but Barriss knew better than to fall for that. She needed to end this, now.

“Mother this is-”

“I’m Ahsoka Tano. It’s wonderful to finally meet you Luminara.” Ahsoka gave a slight bow and leaned on the back of Barriss’s seat, practically putting her chin on top of Barriss’s head.

“I assure you the pleasure is all mine, although I’m afraid Barriss hasn’t mentioned you to me yet.” Luminara leaned her chin onto her hands as her eyes flicked back to Barriss’s flushing face.

Ahsoka laughed, “It’s not a problem, Barriss is a private person after all.”

“I-look-mother this isn’t what it-”

“Barriss Offee I am shocked! Did you really think that I would care if you are attracted to a different species?”

Oh NO, that was the look of Actual Hurt and Deep Suffering and NO!

“No! Of course not!” Barriss clutched at the edge of her desk, wild eyed and honestly grateful for Ahsoka’s supportive arm squeeze.

“Then what in the world…?” Luminara was giving them both a searching looking when Barriss got a Very Bad Idea.

 _Hey,_ it said _, what if you just let this go? Your mother would be happy thinking you are happy and Ahsoka is kind enough to let it go. You can get her off your back. You can let her relax and stop worrying about you. You could maybe even weasel a hug out of the deal with Ahsoka. With Ahsoka!_

“I just,” Barriss swallowed hard before starting again, determined to do the right thing, “I just-”

“Surprise?” Ahsoka more asked then said.

Luminara laughed, before covering her face. “Surprise indeed. Well, I-”

There was a pause as she turned, obviously listening to someone just outside of the holoprojector's range. “Yes? Well that would-let me finish please. That would only put us behind by a day, which we can make up for over the next two. Yes. Thank you Gree. I do apologize Barriss, but I’m afraid I have to leave. A few changes to our plan on this end. I will send you a message to schedule another time to talk. Ahsoka it was wonderful to meet you.”

Just like that the call cut.


	2. Barriss and Making Poor Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Barriss has made one mistake and ruined everyone's lives forever, the only way forward is to make more "bad" decisions and stuff the guilt down deep inside and pretend everything's fine.
> 
> That's fine. This is...fine. It's fine! It's-this is fine!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Barriss, she is a disaster person and let's her anxiety destroy her waaaaay too much. Poor girl!

Barriss wheezed as she slid down in her chair. It was a great impersonation of a deflating balloon, the air leaking out until her head rested on Ahsoka’s shoulder. Slowly, very slowly, Barriss craned her head backwards to look up at Ahsoka who was grinning nervously down at her. There were a thousand thoughts in her head, several admonishments and several rants, and just as many thank you’s. 

Barriss settled on, “Surprise?”

“I panicked!” Ahsoka whined, her lekku twitching with embarrassment. “And you can totally tell her that you dumped me, or I dumped you, or whatever. We didn’t work out. Turns out I’m an asshole.”

“Surprise.” Barriss deadpanned.

Ahsoka stuck out her tongue. “I just wanted to find the whipped cream!”

Barriss sat up to turn and stare incredulously  **less** up. She had  _ standards _ , and certainly wasn’t going to make herself even shorter than she had to before berating her freakishly tall friend. “Suggestively?”

“What?” Ahsoka asked, face scrunched up as her head tilted in confusion.

Barriss tried to imitate Ahsoka’s accent, with limited success, “The whipped cream that we use for…” 

“...for drinks?”

Barriss could feel the twitch settling in her right eye and the headache that was cozying up to her frontal lobes. Apparently Ahsoka just needed a minute to think about it.

“Wait...WAIT-no! I didn’t! What? You think-did she think?! Whipped cream for drinks! Because I dipped the nozzle  **one time** in my kaf and apparently ruined it forever!” Ahsoka sputtered her way through her explanation, face frozen in horror. “Kark me, your mom thinks we’re crazy sex pals.”

Barriss coughed. “Try girlfriends. I never want to hear the term ‘crazy sex pals’ again thank you.”

“Ok, wow, you can double tell her you dumped me ok?” Ahsoka whined with her hands lifted up as if she was fighting off a physical attack.

That little voice came back before she could respond.  _ The holidays will be here before you know it and she’ll be Extra if she thinks your heart is broken when your first girlfriend didn’t pan out. _

“Or,” Barriss started, startling herself into an awkward pause. No! They were not doing this, it was ridiculous and outlandish and would never work! She just had to be firm and honest with Ahsoka and then her mother.

“Or?” Ahsoka prompted.

_ Just do it, what’s the worst that can happen, _ the voice supplied. And Barriss, for all her willpower, caved.

“Or, we could, if you’re willing of course, we could just keep...pretending? Look, break is in a few months and if we broke up she’d be overbearing. We don’t have to do anything ridiculous but just, if she asks we’re still dating?” Barriss said it all in a single breath. She had to get it all out before she started acting with her rational mind.

Ahsoka seemed to be debating something, a slightly guilty look on her face before shaking it off. “Sure thing, whatever works.”

Oh wow. She said yes. That was, cool, alright, Barriss just hadn’t expected it. She had just basically asked a girl out and the cute girl said sure.

“Fantastic, thanks.” Barriss said. Her head bobbing gently as she tried to fit this new puzzle piece into the tapestry of her life.

Ahsoka nodded back, hands on her hips and tapping her fingers before a grin spread across her face. It was a very good look on her honestly. “And the whipped cream is?”

“Sorry? Oh, right! It was almost a month old so I chucked it. I was planning on getting another one this afternoon, you’re welcome to come with if you’d like to choose a flavored one.” What was she doing? They never grocery shopped together. That was a split chore. Barriss should have replaced it this morning but she needed a few hours to prepare for her holocall. Groceries was another few hours as she would need to catch a train to get to the nearest Good Store. There just had been no time for her to prepare for them both before midday.

Ahsoka laughed and slowly backed out the room while doing finger blasters. “You know what I like babe, and I’m meeting up with Anakin in like, thirty.”

“No worries then. Have fun with Anakin and don’t make me bail you out of jail afterwards.” Barriss rolled her eyes. So far their antics hadn’t gotten them arrested. So far being the key words.

Ahsoka had already left her room when she shouted back, “I thought you loved me!”

Barriss refused to answer on principle, even if her heart tripped down a flight of inconveniently placed stairs.

She quickly began shifting time tables in her head. At this rate she would need a few minutes to calm down and stop shaking, put that at ten. Then a quick change of clothes, make a list, get her credit chit, make sure the door is locked, double check chit before leaving; that was all at least twenty five so she’d just round up to thirty. It was an additional thirty both ways for the train plus an additional twenty for walking to/from the station. Shopping itself was perhaps fifteen minutes but the extra effort was worth it to get fresh produce and plenty of inter-species options. Barriss took a sip from her tea and frowned. Nothing worse than over steeped tea honestly.

_ Except for lying to your own mother, who loves you, in order to put off the inevitable conversation about your happiness. Again. It’s been almost five years, you know it’s coming like clockwork. _

Barriss studiously ignored that entire thought.

Yes, something to wear that was more appropriate for the busy streets of Coruscant, the sweater would be the first to go. Much too warm for that outside, she’d gotten a lovely new cotton blouse for just such a practical occasion.

_ I mean, she’ll never know. Instead of being hurt that you lied she can simply feel awful that your first relationship was so short. Oh! And now you’re trapped rooming with your ex. Ouch! She’s going to feel horrible about the whole affair and you’ll just have to keep this secret until the  _ **_day you die._ **

Barriss grabbed her datapad and disgusting tea before leaving to the kitchen.

_ You have prevented her from being upset with you, and will instead make her upset with Ahsoka. What did Ahsoka do to deserve such pettiness from you? _

Barriss moaned, dumping the tea and rubbing her free hand at her temple. So this was the way her brain was going to be for the rest of the day. She was going to have to power through it, after all, it was her own fault for creating this mess. Her headache throbbed louder and harder just to make sure she was aware of her mistakes.

“Fantastic,” Barriss mumbled as she started making her list.

It was going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey at least Ahsoka said yes!
> 
> Up Next: Watching Ahsoka flail emotionally at her friends for advice.


	3. Ahsoka and Conceding Ground to the Shippers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, it can't be as simple as Barriss liking Ahsoka. It can't, that's not possible! Ahsoka is positive that it is literally impossible that Barriss might actually kind of sort of maybe like like her back.
> 
> CRAM IT ANAKIN, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT EASY OK?????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who forgot to update on Monday? :D

Ahsoka slumped down in her seat, letting her butt slide to the edge of the booth and jamming her knees ruefully into Anakin’s hip. “That’s not real advice Skyguy!”

Anakin glared at her over the dregs of his milkshake. “It is, in fact, real advice Snips! Just actually ask her out and see what happens.”

Ahsoka crossed her arms and pouted as she grumbled, “Dude she said fake dating. That’s actual dating, like, having to actually be a couple. She doesn’t want that.”

“How do you know?” Anakin asked before taking one last, annoying slurp out of his drink. “Maybe she’s into you.”

“If she’s into me, why didn’t she ask me out instead of asking if I’d be her shaker?” Ahsoka pushed her knees harder into his hip and earned a stinging slap on them for the effort.

The droid server paused at their table, it’s optics flashing a few warnings at their antics. Anakin smiled brightly at it until it rolled along to the next table. Then he glared at her as if  **she** was the one being difficult. The gall!

Anakin hissed at her, pointing at her even as he fumbled for his credit chit. “I don’t care what the hell a shaker is, but have you considered that she’s a nerdy, socially inept, shut in?”

“She’s not a shut in!” Ahsoka managed to not wince as she picked the hardest thing to defend. Barriss was a brilliant, well liked, and well behaved person. She was also something of a shut in.

Anakin smirked at her as he asked, “Oh really? When’s the last time she went out for fun?”

“Yesterday,” she said while mentally patting herself on the back.  It wasn’t even a lie!

“...was this a solo outing to the library?”

Ahsoka opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to explain that it still counted.

“Ha!” Anakin crowed as he dragged her up out of the booth. “She’s a loser Snips, and if you want to date her then you need to ask her out.”

Ugh, that was sensible and sounded like a responsible thing to do. Ahsoka would literally rather contradict Dr. Nu in galactic history than force Barriss to awkwardly shoot her down. In thanks for her best friend paying for her lunch, Ahsoka flopped half boneless onto him and whined. Anakin was thankfully closer to her height than most of her friends, otherwise she would have happily thrown them both onto the floor of the SUB via melodramatic faint. When Anakin’s response was to grunt and drag her along Ahsoka whined even more pitifully, adding in a faint distressed trilling.

“That has never worked in your life.” Anakin groused as he elbowed her.

“Ow! Skyguy, I am already emotionally vulnerable, you don’t need to add tenderized!”

Anakin held the door open for her before cutting off a group of ithorians to follow her outside. “Don’t lie. Emotionally vulnerable is what you’ll be  **after** Obi-Wan’s test today. Besides what’s the worst that can happen? She’s not Lux.”

Ahsoka felt zero remorse for punching the back of his head. “Leave Lux alone! He meant well.”

“Lux,” Anakin growled as he unlocked his speeder bike and rubbing furiously at the lump on his head, “was a barve.”

The problem with Anakin was that he was all for Ahsoka exploring her romantic feelings until she was dating someone. Then whoever it was just instantly got on his shit list for no apparent reason. Another good reason to not ask Barriss out actually. “Lux is not an asshole. He’s, Lux is- he’s five tooka cats in a tailored greatcoat.”

Anakin glared at her before jamming his helmet on. His voice crackled as the modifier kicked in, giving him a ridiculous deep voice. He claimed it was to get out of speeding tickets. Ahsoka would argue that CSF had never been able to catch him to issue a ticket, and that Anakin was a drama king. And really, sometimes knowing you are right is its own reward.

“Lux,” his stupid deep voice came out, “ditched you at every opportunity and then broke up through messaging. He was most disappointing and it is unfortunate I did not see him before he returned to Onderon. Lessons could have been learned!”

“Alright, well as soon as you stop pretending you’re scarier than you are, and remember how to not be a schutta we can talk.” Ahsoka was done with his bantha fodder.

Anakin’s voice followed her as she ducked into the lunchtime crowds. “Rude!”

Ahsoka weaved through the crowd, slipping through every gap she could to put a little space between her and her stupid friend. As soon as she hit the crossroads, Ahsoka made her way off the main paths. She needed to think, or clear her head, or something. There was no way she’d be able to concentrate and hopefully pass Obi-Wan’s exam like this. Ahsoka needed to focus on the political fallout from the Ruusan Reformations, and not on the way her heart had fluttered when Barriss had leaned into her for support during the holocall! Her heart did another two step at the memory.  _ Barriss isn’t a touchy feely person and she was totally leaning into you and flopped all over you. _ Ahsoka could feel that stupid smile growing on her face again.  _ She wants to fake date you through the holidays! _

Wow, of all the pathetic things to get this excited over, giving someone else a cover story for a few months was one of the most pathetic she could think of.

Still.

Ahsoka huffed and rubbed the back of her head. Ruusan Reformations. Grade. For class. Important!

Would it have killed Anakin to just agree that she was wasting her time and shoot her down gently before she ruined her friendship with Barriss? Maybe she should have cancelled and had lunch with Kalifa. Kalifa was always good for reality checks.

_ Or call Padme and get better relationship advice. _ Ahsoka rolled her eyes as she ducked into the PoliSci building. She needed to stop herself, or pay someone to follow her around with a water bottle to spray her every few minutes. She managed to focus on that image until cramming herself into one of the tiny desks in the lecture hall. Any other class and she would have luxuriated in the over sized seats for larger students, but there was a wookie in this class and Ahsoka valued having both arms attached thank you. Adjusting herself around until her thighs didn’t feel like they’d snap from the pressure Ahsoka pulled out her datapad and pulled up her notes.

She even managed to focus on them for a whole five minutes before catching the reflection of a mirialan in her screen. He even had diamond tattoos, but she felt they suited Barriss’s face better.  _ UGH! I am such a laserbrain! _

Ahsoka crumpled over into a stupid lump and lightly smacked her forehead onto the desk a few times. “Calm down Tano.”

“I do not know why, but yes. You should calm down.” O-Mer smiled softly at her as Ahsoka twisted to look up at him. “Perhaps you can start by sitting up properly? Increased air flow and less back pain.”

She grumbled as she straightened up and twisted to let him slide into her row. “I’ve got twice as many vertebrae.”

“Yes, but they can still hurt.” O-Mer nodded sagely, the beads threaded into his braided hair clicked softly against one another with the motion. “There is no need to worry about the exam Ahsoka, Professor Kenobi lets you drop your lowest score.”

Ahsoka rolled her eyes and glared at him. “I’m not worried about the exam. ...Mostly. It’s personal.”

He looked thoughtful even as he turned to study his own notes. Kriffing cereans and their kriffing politeness! She kind of wanted him to ask? But not really? Ugh. Ahsoka had barely begun to stew when she suddenly remembered that O-Mer literally had three girlfriends.

“It’s girl trouble actually.” Ahsoka tried to keep herself composed. 

Two sunflower yellow eyes locked onto hers with pure sympathy radiating from them in nearly visible waves. “Oh, I am sorry to hear it. Did Barriss turn you down?”

Ahsoka spluttered, “N-no! That’s not-who said anything about Barriss?”

“She is practically the only person you speak of.” O-Mer had the grace to not laugh in her face.

The nerve!

Lekku twitching with indignation, Ahsoka huffed, “I’ll have you know that I speak of many people. Like, uh, Anakin, and Kalifa...and uhm, Riyo? Anyways! No, she didn’t turn me down! I’ll have you know she asked me out actually!”

Her brain caught up just in time to laugh at her, while O-Mer smiled in confusion.

Kriff.

“I just didn’t expect it? And-I said yes of course, I’m not stupid ok, but, like, you know?” What in the actual nine corellian hells was she trying to say???

“I cannot say that I do, but congratulations.”

“Yeah congrats! What are we celebrating?” Jinx half flopped on his boyfriend from the row behind them startling Ahsoka half to death.

So much for predator instincts.

“Barriss asked her out and Ahsoka said yes.” O-Mer provided, unhelpfully spreading the lie that Ahsoka had blurted out.

Jinx looked between them suspiciously while Ahsoka hunched in on herself. “So why do you look like death? Cute girl said yes, or, well, you know what I meant.”

Caught between an earnest romantic sop and his cute asshole boyfriend, Ahsoka knew she was in too deep. This was over her head. Fess up time. “I don’t know what to do because-”

“Take her to the gardens, I mean it’s a cliche first date but probably more her speed than  watching illegal pod races.” Jinx cut her off with a shrug, “It’s not that hard honestly. You overthink everything.”   
  
O-Mer half  lifted his hand, as if this was some sort of deranged class question instead of unasked for advice. “I heard the fine arts building is having an opening for Twi’Lek golden age tapestries. Those are both beautiful to behold and erotic.”

“Hot.” Jinx said with a wink and a set of finger blasters.

If death would like to just take her now, Ahsoka would welcome it.

“Alright everyone, please put away your notes. Bags under your seats and hats off as you can.” Obi-Wan called out, smiling as he made eye contact with her.

Not what she’d meant but Ahsoka hadn’t exactly been specific with her prayer.

It took more willpower than she’d expected to stop envisioning the tapestries and her fool ass trying to justify why this was a Mature and Sophisticated date. Ten minutes in Ahsoka decided that the gardens was a much better hypothetical choice for all parties involved and shortly after was engrossed in her paper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Shaker= Someone who will go out into the grasses and shake them with you so others will think the two of you are having sex. (AKA a beard)
> 
> Up next: Barriss has a great day until her brain messes it up, meanwhile Ahsoka threatens to eat a data pad.


	4. Barriss and the Mortifying Experience of Being Known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss wanted a quiet study session alone with Ahsoka, which is totally not a date.
> 
> Too bad Ahsoka's cadre of older brothers may, or may not, have heard about this and decided to hang around the gardens just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: anxiety attack
> 
> It is Barriss in this story folks, it was gonna happen. If anyone would like me to put something in to show where it starts and stops let me know in the comments.
> 
> To Barriss: Honey no, that's not actually a good coping mechanism. Love yourself baby girl.

Barriss snickered as Ahsoka’s head jerked up and swiveled in an almost unnaturally smooth way to follow whatever small animal had distracted her. “Lunch?”

“Nah, not big enough.” Ahsoka declared much louder than necessary, with a grin saying she was hoping someone would hear it.

Rolling her eyes Barriss highlighted her last set of notations. 

For all the little distractions they’d had, Ahsoka’s suggestion to study in the Kelto Public Gardens had been a good one. They’d found a little spot tucked away from the noise from the crowds and out of hitting range from a rather rambunctious group of mandos playing some variation of bolo ball. The various birds calling to one another, soft laughter, and warm sun was transporting. Closing her eyes Barriss could picture them far away from Coruscant, perhaps somewhere like the Aldera Mountains. Not a bad choice, a little cold but that would be a great excuse to get comfortable in front of a fire. Not that they would be  **_cuddling_ ** , because they weren’t dating and this wasn’t a date. 

Her eyes snapped back open to glare at her pad. It just figured that her own mind would be the thing stopping her from enjoying a pleasant afternoon with her Actually Just a Friend.

They had been fake dating for all of three rotations and Barriss was pretty sure she was going to hate her entire existence after the holidays. The charade had to end at some point, and no matter when it happened her mother would be worried and it was very likely that their relationship would be strained as Barriss wouldn’t want to talk about it. Hopefully Ahsoka wouldn’t treat her differently because frankly Barriss relied on their quiet camaraderie to survive when campus was a seething swarm of sights and sounds. What if she had to find another roommate because she ruined her friendship by playing at romance when clearly Ahsoka had so many better options and furthermore-

Ahsoka plucked Barriss’s datapad right out of her lap and pulled it up to eye level with a snarl. 

“Listen pal,” Ahsoka said sternly while baring her teeth at the small electronic device, “don’t be mean to my friend. She’s a nice lady and if you wanna mess with her you’re messing with me!”

Barriss, to her eternal embarrassment, snorted.

Ahsoka laughed, but clearly was doing her best to stay in character no matter how terrible a job she was doing at it, “That’s right, you better fart in fear!”

“You’re disgusting.” Barriss covered her face even as she laughed. “We are adults, not toddlers!”

“Speak for yourself!” Ahsoka happily chirped, while tucking Barriss’s datapad into her over sized cargo pocket. As always, she did absolutely nothing when Barriss glared at her.

“I need that back.”

Ahsoka’s head tilted to the side before she declared, “Nah. You were glaring silently at it for, like, five minutes. Break time.”

Just like that, Ahsoka leaned backwards onto her hands with one arm going slightly behind Barriss. Like an almost half hug. A very much in her personal bubble half hug. Barriss quickly reciprocated with a slight frown.  _ See how much she likes it! _

Ahsoka flashed the most amazing little contented half smiled down at her, and Barriss was pretty sure she was sweating. Oops. She’d committed herself to this though and she couldn’t really just back out now right?

Right.

_ We’re basically cuddling. _

It was a nice thought. Even if it was short lived. While she was looking at Ahsoka’s arm, because honestly where did all these muscles even come from, which is not staring by the way, Barriss would refuse the meer notion that perhaps she was ogling- a bolo ball bounced, spun, and in near slow motion flew within centimeters of her head. Of course it had flow close enough that Barriss had lurched aside to dodge it and found herself half sprawled over Ahsoka’s lap. A distinct benefit was the way Ahsoka reflexively wrapped an arm over her, and hunched over to ask, “Are you alright?”

They were so close, nearly nose to nose. Oh no. Oh wow.

“Oh yes. Thanks.” Barriss was pretty sure she squeaked. Wow Ahsoka had some very pretty eyes. 

“Sorry! We were-ALL THE GODS I’M RICH!”

Barriss half jumped again, twisting to stare up at a group of laughing young men. All staring at them. It was like a bucket of ice water. It was like being punted directly into space. The bubble they’d created by coming to this spot burst into a thousand little shards, and suddenly there was too many people. Too loud. Too close. All laughing at her.

“Kriff off Hardcase!” Ahsoka growled. Barriss crumpled in on herself and focused on the vibrations in Ahsoka’s chest. Her gaze narrowing down to the blue stripes on her lekku, they’d started splitting apart over the last half year. She was just going to focus on Ahsoka. It didn’t block out the sounds of the men slapping and shoving one another. Barriss winced with each hit the sounds stabbing into her ears.

“Like hell I, wait, you alright ma’am?”

“We’re leaving now, sorry, enjoy your afternoon.”

“I’d like the details later?”

“Shut up Jesse!”

“I said we’re  **_leaving_ ** .”

There was a round of affirmatives and the sound of feet running off. Barriss still got the sense that one of them was there. Could he just leave already!? She just needed him to go off with the rest of his buddies. She just needed a moment to compose herself, was that so much to ask! But instead, he crouched down she hunched in further.

“Thanks Rex.” Ahsoka spoke in a near whisper before looking down at her.

Barriss flushed realizing that she’d just frozen up like a  **child** and stiffly sat up. She didn’t want to, gods she didn’t want to, but the galaxy didn’t care what she wants. It took another moment for Barriss to look at him. Her panic was no excuse to not be polite after all. Rex was a shirtless man with close cropped blond hair and a dusting of facial hair that she hoped wasn’t meant to be a beard. Rex leaned back, squatting on his heels with a depth of worry in his face she hadn’t expected. Even if she was still shaken, Barriss appreciated the distance he left between them.

“Rex, this is Barriss, Barriss this is Rex. He’s one of my best friends.”

“Ma’am.” Rex nodded seriously, a small smile finally twitching at the corner of his mouth. “It’s nice to finally meet you, just sorry it had to happen this way. Say the word and I’ll thump Hardcase if you’d like.”

It took more effort than she’d expected to pull the words out to respond. “No. Thank you.”

“Alright. Hopefully we can meet up some other, far more pleasant time in the future.” Rex stood up fluidly while his smile bloomed warm and sincere. “And seriously, congratulations you two.”

“Rex,” Ahsoka hissed with apparently no noticeable effect before whipping around to look at Barriss. “Ignore the lot of them. They are always trying to-anyways, older siblings you know? Assholes. Not Rex. Usually. Uhm, I mean- are you alright?”

Barriss gave a small shrug before realizing she’d been picking at a loose thread in her skirt. How long had that been going on? Her mother gave her this skirt for her eighteenth birthday. She was supposed to take care of it. Her heart, somehow, sunk further.

“Ok. Hey, let’s head home this has been a bit too much for me to keep studying; yeah? Easily...distracted!” Ahsoka quickly gathered up her scattered possession and slung her bag over one shoulder.

“Alright.” Barriss stood up, one hand trying to smooth out the thread. She’d need to cut that and check for damage. She liked this skirt. Glancing up she saw Ahsoka’s arm held out in invitation and took it, before realizing Ahsoka had just been adjusting her bag.

Before she could pull her hand back, Ahsoka had smiled and moved a little closer so they could walk arm in arm. They walked slowly, taking a different path out than in, and only stopping every single time Ahsoka saw someone’s pet. She cooed over every anooba, massif, tooka, and even one anura that was sitting very obediently on it’s owner’s head. At each little pause Ahsoka gave a happy little trill and would excitedly point out her favorite thing about them.

“Look at his spots. Great spots!”

“New antlers are the fuzziest best ones.”

“Barriss, it’s so tiny. I love tiny things? Look at it’s little nose!”

“A good smart girl.”

“He’s so big, I love him.”

“Can we steal her? Seriously, look at that tail. Fluffy tail Barriss!”

“Twelve out of ten would watch him biff it again.”

It was ridiculous, not only because Barriss was forced to shoot down ever single request to get a pet for the dorm (it said right in the housing contract they couldn’t have pets, honestly!), but because she was walking with a nearly six foot tall, muscle bound hunting god whose voice had gone up a clear octave in joy. Each encounter allowed Barriss the chance to breathe, to relax, and to focus. She softly chuckled as some sort of avian with a long tail swooped over head and Ahsoka gasped in delight.

“Barriss. Forget the rest of them. That’s the one. I need one. Barriss. She’s a perfect bird, a raptor with so much fluff. We should get one of those.” Ahsoka whispered as if someone else was going to try and steal the clearly wild bird away. “A good round girl.”

“We can’t have a pet!” Barriss huffed out a small laugh. “Besides I already have one large, squawking predator two is just excessive.”

“Hey!” Ahsoka squawked through her giant grin.

It took hours before Barriss realized she’d never heard Ahsoka talk about pets or animals at all before. She spent the evening distracted by the heartening thought that it had been done for her benefit. 

It took exactly seventeen minutes for Barriss to find out what kind of bird it had been and purchase a small toy version on the holonet. Ahsoka’s birthday was coming up after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hardcase won at least 100 credits, although he is legally obligated to give thirty over to Echo for the tip off.
> 
> Up next: Ahsoka and Anakin give conflicting accounts to Padme.


	5. Ahsoka and Getting Advice from Two Lovebirds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin continues to be annoying and Padme offers some good advice*.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frankly Ahsoka's too beautiful to have to deal with this, but here she is anyways.

Padme’s apartment was always a treat to be in. Not just because it filtered out the humidity and smells of the lower levels, but because it was up high enough to get consistent sunlight. Also her couches were the comfiest thing Ahsoka had ever sat on in her life, and Padme let her put her feet up on things. Well, as long as her shoes were off.

Anakin rolled his eyes at her as Ahsoka dropped her bag unceremoniously on the low table between the couches. Besides his pestering her for information about Barriss, which Ahsoka didn’t need to see him flashing wide innocent eyes to know that he was up to no good, he hadn’t done anything to warrant her ire. So even though it was her sacred duty as his little sister to attack him mercilessly and start small squabbles, especially in front of the “love of his life”, Ahsoka did her best to be polite. Including not putting her feet up even though she wanted to. Anakin would just shove them off the table anyways, which was extra rude considering he often left oily droid parts on every eating surface he encountered.

She snickered a little just remembering the exasperated look Plo used to give them both when he returned back to their foster home only to find greasy footprints leading from the part covered end table to wherever she’d managed to catch him for a fight.

Her good manners, however, meant little in the face of Anakin shoving her bag closer to her. She  **_had_ ** to push it back to show he couldn’t boss her around, and he  **_had_ ** to retaliate or admit she was correct, more beautiful, and the better child according to the rules they’d agreed on a decade prior. Thus, despite her best intentions Padme came back with a tray of tea to find them in a deadlock over where the imaginary line was on the table.

“So,” Padme said, trying not to laugh as she watched them push the bag back and forth at one another like a pair of monkey-lizards, “how is everything Ahsoka?”

Ahsoka conceded defeat (let him think he was so pretty and cool, but they both knew she was always the better child and that was an objective fact!) before turning to look at her. “Good! Little harder than I thought it would be, but I’m, uh, I’m keeping up.”

“You’re fine,” Anakin chuckled, “considering how much you’re studying I’m sure you’re floating it.”

Ahsoka kind of wished that were true, but she wasn’t about to say that here with the two most overprotective people she knew ready to help. Even if that meant creating impossible schedules and giving her random pop quizzes. Ahsoka shuddered. Spirits, Anakin’s pop quizzes were the worst. She busied herself taking a sip of tea instead of answering and hoped someone would change the subject.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the story behind your little friend?” Padme tapped one manicured nail on top of Morai’s head and Ahsoka smiled proudly. She’d barely taken a breath to respond-

When Anakin cut her off and answered, “Her girlfriend gave it to her.”

It took every ounce of willpower to not punch him in the face.

“Girlfri-Barriss said yes! Oh congratulations Ahsoka!” Padme pulled her into a hug as best she could over the small decorative table. “I knew she wouldn’t say no, Barriss is a smart woman.”

Ahsoka sputtered a bit, “Well, actually, the thing is-”

“Barriss asked her out!” Anakin ‘helpfully’ cut in again. Ahsoka was going to  **kill** him. “Miracles can happen I guess.”

Padme laughed, smirking and wiggling her eyebrows in what was clearly supposed to be a suggestive way. It made the staticky stress ball in her chest drop into the pit of her stomach.

“Would you stop it?” Ahsoka hissed at her now ex-sibling. “It’s not like that and you know it!”

Padme was too perceptive for her own damned good but it certainly helped that the two of them arguing was like a giant neon sign flashing “Ahsoka’s in trouble” above her head. Padme’s eyes flit between her and Anakin, her smile dying off into a small worried frown. As all of her good cheer evaporated, a heaviness fell over them. Padme waited patiently. Anakin simply looked at her like she was an idiot, and this time Ahsoka had to agree. Stars, she was going to have to explain herself wasn’t she?  _ Just do it like ripping off a med patch. _

“Her mom thought we were dating, it was killing her, so we pretended we were. Barriss asked me if I’d fake date her through the holidays to ward off Luminara. Ok? It’s not real and she’s not actually my girlfriend thanks!” Ahsoka rushed the explanation out, practically stumbling over the words in her desperation to have it done with.

“Oh Ahsoka…” Padme gently took her hands and squeezed them.

Right up to that moment Ahsoka had been angry with Anakin and angry with this whole situation, but that pure kind sympathy had her nearly tearing up. A lump quickly formed in her throat and Ahsoka shrugged, doing a terrible job at feigning nonchalance. “It’s fine.”

“No it’s not, does she...does she know about your feelings?” Padme asked.

Ahsoka felt fear rush like lighting down her arms, dread turned her stomach as she imagined what Barriss would say if she knew. “No. And she won’t. I’m not gonna have a breakdown ok? Let’s just not talk about this.”

“Why didn’t you ask her?” Anakin demanded, his whole body crumpling slightly. Clearly upset that she hadn’t taken his advice as his eyes watered.

There was no way that this stupid crush thing was making two of the bravest, strongest people Ahsoka knew get this upset. It was no big deal! Giving herself the emotional equivalent of whiplash she jerked her hands back with a huff. “Cause that wouldn’t make everything awkward at all!”

“You should have asked her!” Anakin was half shouting as if **he** was hurt over it. 

“Anakin Skywalker!” Padme snapped.

Ahsoka wished desperately she could sink into the couch and disappear forever thanks.

“What? She should have, there’s no way Barriss would say no!”

“Don’t you dare act like this is something you are in control of! It’s Ahsoka’s life!”

Ahsoka lightly kicked the table. “I’m right here.”

They both winced, before shooting a series of quick glares back and forth. Apparently coming to a decision they settled down slightly. Although she didn’t miss the way Padme had subtly scooted away from Anakin.  _ Ouch. _ Well earned, but still.

Ahsoka toyed with the small plush and tried to change the subject.. “We saw one at the gardens. For a study session! I really liked it and Barriss got it for me. She said it was for my birthday.”

Wow, it sounded even worse when she put it like that. Gods and Spirits, her fake girlfriend had given her a cute toy because of a study date. Ahsoka had already known she was hopeless but it was like discovering a whole new set of caverns she could reset her “lowest you can go” bar to.

“That was very nice of her,” Padme said, smoothly continuing on as if they hadn’t all just had some sort of weird quasi-fight. 

“...yeah. I know it’s a birthday gift but my birthday’s, like, forever away and knowing her she’ll do something else on the day of. I was trying to think of how to repay her, but, well,” Ahsoka gave an embarrassed grin. “It’s complicated. Obviously.”

Padme hummed thoughtfully, leaning back for several minutes before snapping her fingers. There was a dangerous smile there, and frankly Ahsoka was both terrified and completely excited. “How do you feel about a gallery opening? Classy, sophisticated, and best of all free to the public.”

Anakin rolled his eyes before adding, “Best of all free booze for the public.”

Alright, he could be her brother again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Padme knows exactly what she's doing, and unlike Anakin she has some damned TACT and can operate SUBTLY!
> 
> Up Next: Barriss has another call with Luminara, thinks of all the wonderful time she's spent with Ahsoka, and then continues to make bad decisions.


	6. Barriss and Those Totally Not Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss fondly thinks about those totally-aren't-dates-that-would-require-DATING-which-we-are-not-because-don't-be-silly dates, determines that she is a terrible person, and makes a bad decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody please help her.

“And how are things with Ahsoka?” Luminara asked, eyes twinkling even through the hologram.

It was such a nice change from the past several months. To have her mother call and to not dread every second of it.

Barriss paused, smiling a little as she rolled the mug between her hands. Letting the heat leech from the heel of her palm up to her fingertips to soothe her nerves. The recent good memories easily washing over her guilt. “Good. Really good actually, she’s...Ahsoka’s very perceptive. She’s very kind about me wanting space and she’s taken me to places she knew I’d like. She’s been very considerate to my wants.”

Since the park there had been an outing to a local gallery opening. Allegedly to thank her for the stuffed convor, which was supposed to be a gift- but no amount of Barriss trying to explain why Ahsoka didn’t owe her anything was going to work. 

They’d both scrounged for their nicest clothes and walked to the gallery. Barriss had drifted closer and closer until the two went arm in arm again. The gallery itself was thin and narrow, and teeming with sentients of all kinds. Despite the idea of an art opening being some grand affair, they had been two of the best dressed people there. Ahsoka, of course, complained about that although a glass of wine seemed to help. The free wine  _ had _ been a distinct plus, and helped Barriss more fully grasp the artist’s intentions. Neither of them had any clue what they were looking at but it had been worth it to watch Ahsoka see exactly how many bite sized pieces of cheese she could take before someone stopped her. The answer was Ahsoka had brazenly picked up a whole tray of cheese on her way out and no one even said a word. Barriss had been mortified at the time, but looking back it was pretty hilarious. 

Barriss had treated them out to a nice dinner in thanks after that (see how much Ahsoka likes it when someone thanks you for the gift that you gave in thanks!), and the look on Ahsoka’s face when the cheese appetizer came out had been priceless.

All in all, it had been the perfect evening out. Far more fun that she’d expected, eve with Ahsoka tucked up next to her turning Barriss into a mess.

“My dear, I’m so happy to hear it.” Her mother’s voice was soft and warm, the largest smile she’d had ever seen on her face. “You deserve all the happiness that you can.”

What? Oh. Gosh she’d been so lost in thought she hadn’t even finished answering. How long had she been distracted for?

“I...thank you. It’s been,” Barriss sighed feeling stupidly warm all over. The memory of Ahsoka leaning down to explain the rules of loot, boot, and root brought another smile to her face. “...wonderful.”

“As it should be.” Luminara nodded, glancing somewhere just out of the projection field before continuing, “I know this is looking a bit far in the future my dear, but I will be planetside in time for the fete week. Do you think she’d enjoy coming over?”

The fete weeks were, in Barriss opinion, far too extravagant and commercialized to truly enjoy but her mother had always ensured that their holidays were spent quietly together at home. For a moment she could picture it. Her mother serving some dish or drink, the way Ahsoka would look surrounded by all the gold decorations and candle light. The feeling of the galaxy going soft and fuzzy...it was perfect. To her at least. Probably a far cry from what Ahsoka was surely used to.

She was sure that Ahsoka’s gatherings were all much louder, bigger, and in some ways rougher. After all, it seemed like Ahsoka pretty much only made friends as an excuse to eventually claim more siblings, niblings, uncles and aunts, and who even knew what else. It was absolutely charming, even if it came with an awkward number of times that Barriss found herself being dragged into holocalls recently. 

Hardcase had wanted to apologize directly without fear of Ahsoka punching him, Rex had called to chat a few times and wanted to say hello, Anakin practically kicked their door open once a week- the list just went on. The sheer volume was enough to make Barriss sweat. Ahsoka was probably accustomed to the type of family gatherings Barriss had always feared attending. The idea of some alternate version of them hosting a fete week for all of their friends and family made her hands shake.

Barriss quickly put her untouched mug down for safety. It was still hot tea after all.   
  
“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind, but, mother she has plenty of family I’m sure she’ll have to visit already. There’s no need to add another get together onto her schedule.” Barriss’s heart kicked as soon as she finished. 

Wasn’t the whole point of this- this awful and convoluted pretense to have Ahsoka go over during the holidays and make her mother happy? Barriss was compromising her own plans!  **Unacceptable.**   
  
“I can ask her though,” Barriss cringed as she said it, already feeling terrible for adding another social obligation onto her friend.

“I would appreciate it,” her mother smiled softly as something chimed on her end of the call. “Well that would be my timer. It’s so good to talk with you Barriss, and I’m so glad that you’ve found such happiness.”

Her stomach turned in knots as she smiled weakly. “Of course, I will speak with you next week. I love you.”

“Love you!”

As soon as the call ended it felt like she’d been punched in the gut. Her mother clearly had been worried about her, more worried than Barriss had realized. And here she was, lying to the woman who raised her and loved her. Stringing her only friend along in a fake relationship and holding her back. Now with the added awfulness of forcing Ahsoka to spend the holidays away from her own family because Barriss had lied. 

She also knew that she didn’t want this to end. 

Not at the holidays, not at the start of the new year, and preferably never ending ever. Most of all, Barriss knew with no uncertainty that she was a terrible person because she was selfish enough to want to keep forcing it no matter what Ahsoka felt on the matter.

Dreams end, she decided as she stared at the softly glowing surface of the holoprojector. Watching the way the light rippled before shutting it down. Dreams end and it was time for Barriss to wake up.

It was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, softly break dancing: Barriss, your brain is /lying/ to you. You are wanted and loved and a great person. Please stop shoving every good thing you have as far away as possible because you think you don't deserve goodness and happiness and love. It's not about what you deserve, it's about what you have and what you're going to do with it. I love you, you utter walnut, stop trying to win this race and grow your damn mental garden!
> 
>  
> 
> Up Next: Ahsoka has anxiety too, but deals with it by grabbing at the things she wants ever harder.


	7. Ahsoka and The Fear of Inadequacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss is breaking up with her, but Ahsoka has never given up without a fight.

Something was wrong. Ahsoka wasn’t sure what, but from the moment she’d arrived with groceries Barriss had been distant and quiet. At first she’d assumed it was because Ahsoka had bought more of the protein ‘pasta’ when it turned out they still had two unopened packages in the conservator, but soon enough she realized it was something besides overspending. Barriss was never out in the common area and this quiet unless something had gone very, very wrong.

Her hands began to sweat as she put each item away.

Had she done something to upset Barriss? Did she have a fight with her mom? Did someone do...something? Maybe it was classes. Or was this, and Ahsoka felt her stomach twist at the thought, was this one of Barriss more depressive moods taking hold? She didn’t know what the issue was, and Ahsoka would be the first to admit she hated things she didn’t know. Feared the things she couldn’t help. All the stars, she really hoped it wasn’t anything she’d done.

Of course that was an excuse to not think about the bigger fear. What if Barriss had figured her out, what if she was trying to find a way to politely explain that she was leaving?  With her arbitrary task finished, Ahsoka collapsed onto the couch where she could keep half an eye on Barriss while she did some quick mental math with her finances. It didn’t add up well, but Ahsoka was determined that if Barriss was going to try and leave, Ahsoka would offer to go instead. Barriss needed this space more than Ahsoka did, and she didn’t have the support needed to just kriff off. Ahsoka could crash with someone. The Fett’s would never let her forget it, but they’d also understand the heartbreak. Anakin and Padme would be overbearing but close. Obi-Wan couldn’t, she was his student this semester, but maybe next semester? Plo had always told them that if they needed a place there would always be a bed available. But that felt like a defeat. She’d been so excited to leave and bragged to everyone about how great it was gonna be when she was on her own. Plus Ahsoka knew she’d struggle with so many younglings running around, no real way to study if they all want to play. Ahsoka worried at her thumb nail, eyes squinted slightly as she tried to stop that whole train of thought before it could fully leave the station. Foolish really, it had left hours ago.

Barriss, like most things, did a much better job of snapping her out of it.

“Is this ok?”

“What?” Ahsoka tilted her head in confusion, swallowing hard and trying to look collected. Barriss was going to tell her the problem. Ok. Ok, she just needed to be ready for anything!

“Us? I mean, well, the fake dating? I just feel like, perhaps, I think I’ve been terribly unfair to you.” Barriss was staring steadfastly at her mug of tea as she spoke. Her voice was terrifyingly distant.

Of course it was the thing she feared the most. _She’s breaking up with you._

“No! Not at all, I don’t mind at all.” Ahsoka winced at her own pathetic desperation, but still went grasping for straws. The fear of losing Barriss swelling violently behind her ribs. “I feel like we’ve grown a lot closer for it.”

 _Super smooth, jump in a pit Tano. You did something and now she’s calling it off. It’s_ **_over_ ** _._

There was only the slightest smile when Barriss nodded, and it wasn’t as encouraging as she’d hoped. “I suppose we have.”

“It’s been really nice.” She continued weakly, pushing into the lumpy couch cushions. Her rear lek pinched awkwardly between her and the seat, but she leaned back further. As if she could physically remove herself from this conversation and still be allowed to date Barriss. Real or not. Her eyes stung and there was a flare of panic as she felt her throat closing up. _No crying over this!_ “You’re a really neat person. Cool person! Nice person!?”

There was a terrifying moment of silence, where Barriss’s jaw clenched and her eyes squeezed shut. Ahsoka could tell that she was struggling with something, that some final decision would be made or conclusion reached. There was no way it would fall in her favor, that’s the way her luck always worked. Too good to be true before the ground collapsed under her feet.

Then, finally, whatever had been hanging over Barriss’s dissipated and she looked over at Ahsoka with a small but genuine smile. “Thank you. Have you always had such a way with words?”

The sheer relief was shocking, and she quickly broke eye contact to hide what a mess she was. _Seriously, she’s dropping it so you can’t cry now! Don’t be a baby!_ Ahsoka mumbled and tried to smile with confidence she really wasn’t feeling, “Probably?”

Barriss chuckled. That...that was good right?

Ahsoka let herself flop sideways on the couch, rolling to have her head on the armrest where, hopefully, Barriss wouldn’t see any signs of distress. She nervously stared at the swatch of mispainted wall from the botched com unit renovations their first week in.

They’d been new to one another then, and when the lines went down Barriss had freaked. Ahsoka had panicked in turn, running for the RA and then demanding to speak with housing, trying to do anything she could to get it solved. The dorms were newly renovated for goodness sake! When she’d returned with written proof that they’d fix the com lines, and the location of the nearest long distance station Barriss had calmed. A quick hug and thank you was given before Barriss vanished for her first call home and Ahsoka had realized with a goofy grin that she was screwed.

But she’d felt happy, and confident, and in control. Ahsoka reached for that feeling again, breathing slowly to try and think about this situation. Her heart gave a few more shaky beats as she worked to calm down. This wasn’t even real dating right? Right. So she shouldn’t treat it like it was right? Right! Ahsoka was being foolish and she knew it. When she was sure she wasn’t about to make a fool of herself Ahsoka stood up to retreat to her room.

“Oh! Looks like the holo on the quad is By The Code. I’ve heard great things about that.” Barriss mentioned and absentmindedly tried to find her bagel while she read. It was adorable the same way watching tooka kittens blindly stumble into walls was adorable.

“We should go I’ve got a big blanket we can use.” Ahsoka said, immediately smacking her head lightly with her own fist. She scowled at the ceiling. _What did I just say?_

Barriss grinned as she finally found her breakfast. “I’d like that.”

Ahsoka’s heart began to race again, for an entirely different reason this time. Friends do that right? Go to the holo on the quad? She still couldn’t help smiling, “Me too.”

Ahsoka could feel the weight of it pressing in. She was totally and irrevocably screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goodness gracious you two, honestly, figure it out please! (Give in to your repressed emotions, it's pride month dumbies!)
> 
> Up next: Ahsoka and Barriss cuddle under a blanket and completely miss the plot of a prestigious film.


	8. Barriss and Ahsoka Cuddle Incidentally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what it says on the tin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyobody, go thank [Gabby(Kirahsoka)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirahsoka/pseuds/Gabby) She convinced me to upload an extra chapter this week. You can do this by reading/kudos/commenting on her excellent Barrissoka fics! 

Barriss felt like she was awkwardly aware of the layer of electrons on her skin, like she could almost feel herself hovering a few picometers off the wool blanket Ahsoka had been hiding from her. Okay, not hiding, but Barriss could admit she would have stolen it ages ago if she’d known about it. Their dorm was  **freezing** on a good day. Ahsoka’s hand brushed lightly against her knee and Barriss tried to imagine the cold welds between them instead of the delightful warmth of it.

Gosh Ahsoka was certainly sitting close wasn’t she?

_ It makes sense _ , she tried to reason with herself,  _ you are sharing a roughly two meter square blanket, on a packed grass field no less, of course she’s sitting close enough to touch! _

Something happened on the screen. The main character of the holo looked deadpan but considering the way everyone laughed it must have been rather funny.  _ Focus. You wanted to see the movie remember? Concentrate on it. _

Ahsoka turned to wiggle her brow markings at her before looking back at the screen. Her lightly scaled lekk brushing Barriss’s shoulder. She really did have a killer smile.

_ Good job. Perfect concentration, just the wrong focal point. _

What was this damned holo about?

It had been like this for over an hour and Barriss was starting to despair for ever actually getting to see the flick. It had won prestigious awards for goodness sake. She really should see it, she  **wanted** to see it! It was just...hard to do with Ahsoka sitting so close to her, and smiling at her, and it just felt like a date. Barriss shivered slightly at the thought. Goodness. This was not what she meant to do at all.

Ahsoka draped an arm over her shoulders and whispered way closer to her ear than strictly necessary, “Hey, you cold?”

No, actually Barriss rarely felt cold out and about on Coruscant. The city was warm and the lower down you went the warmer it got, until it became dangerously hot of course. Barriss shivered again from the way Ahsoka’s breath tickled and suddenly found herself manhandled until she was sitting directly in between Ahsoka’s legs. Ahsoka then wrapped her arms around Barriss’s middle, the corners of the blanket secure in her grip. And rested her chin on her head. Oh. Oh no.  _ I could get used to this. _

“This ok?” Ahsoka asked, voice rumbling pleasantly just behind her head. Barriss was far too aware of the way her hair was pushed into Ahsoka’s throat. The way that her front lekku were now awkwardly jammed into her back. It was perfect and she prayed it would never end.

“Much better thank you.” She squeaked, quickly placing her hands over Ahsoka’s without really thinking it through.

Barriss cringed at the screen and did her best to convince herself that it was just the most natural position to sit in. It took a few minutes for her to decide there was no good way to justify her desire to hold hands, but if Ahsoka wasn’t going to say anything neither was she. 

That solved, she instead went back to the flick. Wait. Hadn’t they just been on an ice planet? Apparently they’d relocated now to a desert.

A bead of sweat was already building up under her headscarf. Speaking of deserts, how had she never noticed that Ahsoka was a walking furnace? If Ahsoka had been lying about the thermostat Barriss would scream, their dorm was perpetually frozen! “You know you’re hot right?”

“Uhm-thank you? You’re not so bad yourself,” Ahsoka chuckled.

Barriss swatted at her hands and rolled her eyes. She put every ounce of sarcasm she could behind her words, “Well, aren't you a charmer!”

“Ah,” Ahsoka sighed, clearly trying to do something dramatic but missing the point completely, “but what are words without action?”

Barriss snorted, desperately trying to muffle the sound in case she was bothering anyone. Sure, most people on the quad were talking and laughing, but she couldn’t quite shake the worry that she was being obnoxious. Barriss whispered back, knowing Ahsoka would hear her just fine,  “Sinube’s lit comp?”

“He just drones on!” Ahsoka whined and gave her a small squeeze.

Barriss finally relaxed backwards into the hug. She was getting a free hug from Ahsoka,  _ from Ahsoka _ . Gods she wanted to enjoy it before she died of heat stroke. Wow! Why in the world had she been sitting so stiff and awkward? Ahsoka’s lekku twitched against her shoulder blades and Barriss frowned. Ah, yes, that.

“Yes, well, there’s no need for you to quote whatever fake deep book you are taking for granted this week.” Barriss grumbled, wiggling to wedge herself in between the lekku and managed to get them over her shoulders instead.  _ Oh, much better now we’re just flush back to fron-don’t think about that! _

“I’m sorry, can I help you?” Ahsoka sneered, but quickly burst into laughter when Barriss elbowed her. “You can’t just reject parts of me Offee, that’s rude!”

“I’m-your rude!” Barriss hissed back, hoping no one was looking at them.

“Takes one to know one!” Ahsoka basically shouted.

Barriss sighed and sullenly settled down. She looked back at the screen and- “Where in the world are they now!?”

Ahsoka paused, head tilting before answering, “I have no clue. This whole thing is basically a fever dream you know. City planet, sleazy bars, vampires, ancient horrors we can’t possibly comprehend, volcano planet, water planet, ice planet, jungle planet, desert planet-”

“You’re exaggerating.” Barriss grumbled. Besides that didn’t sound  _ too _ bad, if she knew what the plot was it would probably all make sense.

“Am not! For some reason it’s all massive single biomes and switching between religious debates when they only thing they should be debating is why the scary magic cop lady has a boob window going down to her pelvis. It’s stupid, and I do mean the costume...mostly.” 

“It’s a prestigious film!”

“You’re a prestigious film!”

Not quite sure if Ahsoka had meant that as a compliment or not, Barriss wisely decided that there was no such thing as winning an argument when Ahsoka was already convinced she’d won. Instead she huffed, tried to subtly wipe sweat out of her eyes, and snuggled backwards into her personal heater. When Barriss looked back at the screen the characters were floating through space towards a massive creepy ship.

“Oh come on!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karking finally am I right?
> 
> Up Next: Obi-Wan restates the obvious, Anakin does his best, and Ahsoka cannot believe how awful all her friends are for caring about her happiness.


	9. Ahsoka and Being Honest with Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan and Anakin give Ahsoka so more advice, and she finally starts to see the truth.

“It was cold!” Ahsoka wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince. Because it wasn’t her, and they obviously thought she was wrong. Even if she was 100% right. Probably. Definitely not lying. Nope!  **Very** cold! Ahsoka had not used it as an excuse to cuddle with Barriss for nearly two hours. That wasn’t a her thing.

Anakin looked at her in pain, wincing in pity on her behalf. Each time they’d talked since Padme’s he had subtly asked about Barriss, which was to say he rather boldly made assumptions that she shot down until he was in physical agony over her angst. His pity and “compassion”, coincidentally, didn’t stop him from groaning in exasperation. One hand roughly scrubbing at his face before he hissed, “You were both cuddled together, wrapped up in a blanket like a baby gay burrito! She’d say yes if you just asked already!”

Ahsoka blushed and floundered for a reason why she  **hadn’t** asked yet. When nothing came to the front of her mind besides total panic, she pulled on her very last resort and whined in Obi-Wan’s general direction for help.  _ Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! _

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan gave him a small warning glare before turning his sharp gaze back to her. “Honestly, here’s the thing. Everything I’ve heard tonight, and I feel like you’ve told me quite a bit, makes me think one thing Ahsoka. You already  **are** dating her. You’ve gone on multiple dates and are giving one another little surprises just for the joy of the act. You two are doing almost everything together these days. So let me be the first to say, you two are already actually dating.”

He flashed her a winning smile, one eyebrow going up rakishly. “Congrats by the by.”

Ahsoka sputtered. He was supposed to help her not cunningly kill her via sharp shooting her heart! The absolute nerve!

“She doesn’t mean it like that, Barriss is just,” Ahsoka flapped a hand before giving up and desperately continuing, not giving her brain even a moment to come up with any evidence to support Obi-Wan’s stance, “She’s considerate ok? She’s really sweet and wonderful!”

Obi-Wan’s smile was somehow both fond and teasing all in one. “You. Are dating. And if Barriss really didn’t mean it like that, you wouldn’t be. It would be exactly like it was before. The fake relationship only happening when you needed to put on a show for her mother. Yet, here we are. You two are closer than ever Ahsoka and I just as you aren’t faking anything, I highly doubt she is either.”

It was a perfectly logical and reasonable response. The desire for it to be true, however, lost once more to her fear of losing their friendship. How dare all her friends gang up on her like this! 

Ahsoka grumbled. “Did Padme put you up to this, ‘cause she suggested the gallery.”

In hindsight, it was damningly obvious that Ahsoka had accidentally taken Barriss out on three dates now. Each one getting progressively worse- or, well, more intimate. It was honestly a miracle that Barriss hadn’t called her on her bantha fodder and chucked her out the door. Especially in light of how each time it happened Ahsoka would turn around with another “helpful” friend suggestion and be taking her out on  _ another _ date. Ahsoka had already called Padme out-ok, well, she’d written a message and thought about sending it. Same difference!? The point was, look, the point was that everyone was trying to sabotage her friendship and Ahsoka was getting sick of it.

“All the gods large and small Snips!” Anakin dramatically proclaimed before flopping backwards on the floor. “Literally everyone sees it, except the two of you. You’re dating. It’s official. I want to be your best man if you get married.”

She didn’t feel the least bit bad for kicking his shin as hard as she could. She only regretted it when Anakin launched forward to tackle her, resulting in getting a fist to the gut. So it was treason then. Ahsoka scratched his arms as they wrestled on the floor for dominance. When she was smaller Anakin had always been able to pin her, now that she’d “bulked up” as he’d so delicately put it, she was determined to win every time she could. Anakin threw an elbow and was already twisting out of her grasp when they were interrupted.

“Now now children. Settle down please,” Obi-Wan intoned gravely, a dramatic flick of his wrist as he marked the last of his exams. “Now, I need to post these grades so if you’ll excuse me-”

“Did I pass?” Ahsoka half spun, shifting from sitting to basically laying on her stomach, and getting one last kick in at Anakin in the process. “Tell me I passed, credits aren’t free Mr. Kenobi and I have scholarships to keep!”

Obi-Wan tapped a few more buttons on his pad before looking back at her. Schutta was dragging it out on purpose now! He finally pressed something, apparently posting the grades to the public before answering. “Honestly, you’re passing as Barriss’s girlfriend with a higher grade than my class. Am I that boring to you?”

The air whooshed out of her in relief, at least there was one class she was passing for sure. “Thank the karking Force. I swear, I needed some good news about my- hey WAIT!?”

Anakin cackled. “I don’t think she likes you that way old man!”

“Oh shut up,” Ahsoka found herself unsure who to lay into first, and decided Anakin. Because she loved him but he was always, perpetually first in line for a beat down. And Obi-Wan was currently in control of her future since grades could be change for up to two weeks.

“A shame, truly, I’m hurt Ahsoka. Look, I’ll be crying for days now!” Obi-Wan declared grandly, a boyish smirk firmly in place, before logging out of his pad and tossing it over to Anakin. “I suppose you could soothe my soul by telling me more about Barriss. After all, I don’t think I know all her food preferences yet or what her opinion on relativity theory is. Besides you never clarified exactly what shade of purple is her favorite.”

“I hate you both.” She hissed between the hands now covering her face. The warmth still rose in her chest at the way they were grinning indulgently at her. The fact that even if something did go terribly wrong with Barriss she would still have them both here was just... It was nice to have so many people behind her. Even if they were obnoxious. “Barriss wouldn’t treat me like this!”

“Barriss doesn’t know you well enough yet,” Anakin said with a sage nod, “Otherwise she wouldn’t be dating you.”

“So Obi-Wan will be the best man,” Ahsoka started.

“Hey!” Anakin yelped.

Obi-Wan sighed, “Let’s not jump to conclusions now, you’ve only been dating her for a few months. Also Mirialan tradition is a bit different from Coruscant’s when it comes to matrimony, you should probably find out if that’s an appropriate thing before assigning out roles.” 

Ahsoka gave up, throwing her hands in the air as she sighed dramatically. Dropping a few well placed annoyed clicks here and there for emphasis, which only made Anakin laugh at her. Rude.

Obi-Wan winked at her, and then looked at Anakin, “Let’s instead talk about Anakin and Padme who had been dating for  **years** and got  **eloped** and still haven’t made it up to us! I call best man.”

“L-look!” Anakin sputtered at both of them.

Alright, Ahsoka decided that Obi-Wan was redeemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's needs time to digest this information, but finally a step in the right direction!
> 
> Up Next: Barriss is thoughtful of Ahsoka's possible family engagements, too bad it just seems to make her sad.


	10. Barriss and The Consequences of Procrastination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She really shouldn't have put off asking Ahsoka over for the holidays. Her mother has never been the most forgetful of individuals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barriss is trying her best everyone, she just doesn't get it quite yet.

Barriss was not known for procrastinating any tasks, no deadline was “too far ahead” and nothing that could be done  _ now _ had any reason to be done  _ later _ instead. She had watched her classmates over the years all fall for the lulling call and subsequent trap of laziness, and had vowed to never be one of them. Barriss Offee would be known for her dedication and hard work, thank you very much! And if her peers never recognized her work ethic her teachers praise had been sufficient. Her mother’s praise had been coveted.

The thing of it was, asking Ahsoka to abandon her family for the holidays had never been part of their agreement. It wasn’t like they had a formal contract drafted up, well at least not outside of the rules Barriss had decided to follow herself, but “be my girlfriend through the holidays” didn’t  **have** to mean “abandon your family and have them be cross with you”. And extending her mother’s invitation was akin to saying, “No big deal but I expect you to prioritize me over everyone else even though we’re not really dating.”

It was the last thing she wanted to do!

So Barriss had deferred, demurred, and generally re-directed conversation that got too close to making such a horrible demand. She could only imagine what it would do to their friendship! She just, she just needed a little more time to consider the best way to make the request and have Ahsoka understand that she could decline without hurting anyone’s feelings. Her heart twinged a little at that. Well, Barriss amended, not anyone important’s feelings anyways.

So it came as a shock when Barriss got in from her weekly tutoring session to find a card on the table.

She stared at the formal invitation in horror. It had arrived with an outer and inner envelope, had a thin protective layer embossed with stars, and had been painstakingly handwritten by her mother on a thick, cream colored bit of flimsi. All of this a clear sign that her mother was feeling Very Serious about this invitation. Which was sitting out on Ahsoka’s spot at the table. Having clearly been read. It was not what Barriss had pictured when her mother mentioned she would send Ahsoka a new year’s card and reminded her to ask Ahsoka about the fete week again. 

This was not some nice little holiday greeting card!

“Yeah that was super sweet of her!” Ahsoka said, standing directly behind Barriss, scaring her half to  **death** . Ahsoka easily looped her arms around Barriss’s middle and popped her chin on top of her head. None of which made up for the way Ahsoka had snickered as she jumped. Alright the hug made up a tiny bit, but still!

Which perhaps made her tone a little panicked as she responded, “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

Ahsoka froze behind her, her arms tightening a little around Barriss’s middle. That was a bad sign.

“Not that you aren’t welcome! You are very welcome to come!” Barriss bit back a groan of pain when Ahsoka didn’t even twitch. Oh no, when had this gotten so out of hand? She should have just asked Ahsoka weeks ago and made sure she was still alright with the plan.

“Do you...not want me to go?” Ahsoka’s voice was soft and unsteady.

_ Oh no. _

“No! I mean, yes! I mean, you don’t have to if you have plans but I’d love to have you there, but you don’t have to go.” Barriss smacked her hand over her face and took a breath. “Let me start again. I know you probably already have plans for the holidays, and family you were going to spend it with. So while you are more than welcome to come I don’t want you to feel like you have to attend with us instead of with them because of..this. Us.”

There was a long awkward pause that Barriss forced herself to not speak during, but she squeezed Ahsoka’s hands and leaned backwards into her a bit more to provide comfort. It was a position they’d just fallen into taking, but it suddenly felt so much more supportive this way. Especially given the way her heart was beating somewhere in her throat.

Ahsoka finally gave a small shrug and half whispered, “I don’t really have anything to do. So I said yes.”

Barriss let the wave of mixed nerves and joy wash over her. “Well I’m happy to have you, although it’s hard to imagine you don’t have any other invitations!”

There was another awkward pause. Barriss felt her stomach drop. She turned around to look up into Ahsoka’s stony face. She’d never seen Ahsoka look so...detached. Barriss immediately wrapped her arms around her turning this into a proper hug. “Hey, are you alright?”

Ahsoka failed miserably to smile. “Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?” When Ahsoka didn’t answer Barriss gently reached up to cup her face. “Ahsoka?”

“Not a fan of the fete weeks ‘s all.” She mumbled, eyes darting away to look at anything besides Barriss.

Biting her lip Barriss leaned back in, tucking her head into the crook of Ahsoka’s neck. “Ok. We’ll make this one the best we can then.”

“Ok,” Ahsoka whispered, holding her closer.

They stood in silence and Barriss nuzzled in as best she could, hoping that every ounce of love just poured through her and into Ahsoka. She was coming over during a clearly rough time of the year. She mentally slapped herself, it would have been best for everyone if Barriss hadn’t avoided asking about the holidays. She’d just assumed, she was always just assuming. It took a moment to shove the anger down, she could berate herself later. 

Barriss didn’t care if their relationship was real or not anymore. She’d caused harm without meaning too, and now Ahsoka was going to have a great time if Barriss had anything to say about it! Regardless of her wants and regardless of her own foolish feelings, Barriss was ready to sacrifice if it meant Ahsoka would enjoy herself. 

She tucked her nose against Ahsoka’s throat and closed her eyes, mind already racing with thoughts. First she’d need to tell her mother. Then plan some dishes out. What did Ahsoka like to drink? All fair questions. Certainly she’d need to at least hint at what her mother might appreciate as a gift, and let her mother know what was appropriate to give Ahsoka. She’d see if there was anything she needed to pick up or decorations her mother would like help with. Barriss knew this would be their only one together, and for the first time she was ready to tackle the holiday head on. 

Ahsoka sighed heavily, a soft relaxing rumble vibrated from her chest helping to soothe Barriss’s nerves.

Just because this was ending soon didn’t mean they couldn’t have a last hurrah!

Yes, one last time. Then onto the new year on their own. She was prepared to make it perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick heads up, I will be updating Wednesday, Friday, and posting the last chapter on Saturday so buckle in it's time for the HOLIDAYS!!
> 
> Up Next: LumiMAMA preps for the festivities and reflects on how wonderful it is that Barriss is happy.


	11. Luminara and The Bliss of Ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luminara prepares to have her daughter and her girlfriend over for the holidays, and can't help but reminisce over how far Barriss has come.

Luminara carefully repositioned the decanter before stepping back to observe her work once more. The table had been set immaculately. Each spot had everything it needed without being too much- Barriss had stressed not breaking out every single eating utensil and begged her not to make a big deal of it. And she wasn’t! Luminara carefully re-tied one of the many golden garlands to a slightly more pleasing angle. This was much more restrained than her normal settings, and Luminara had decided to decorate a bit more to compensate. The gold and white linens were sharply pressed and the crystal glasses of water all sparkled under the candle light. The few holographic stars twinkled merrily in soft yellow white on the ceiling. Luminara gave a thoughtful glance towards her home shrine before deciding that if she put one more piece of fruit or incense on it she might actually cause a collapse.

It was passable then. 

Her chrono gave a small beep, a reminder she’d set to wrap up before Barriss and Ahsoka arrived. The thought alone made her smile again at the never before seen third place setting at the table.

Barriss had always been a quiet child. Even as a baby she’d more squeaked than cried, turning shades with silent tears. As a toddler she’d been more interested in her peers but easily overwhelmed at daycares. Too loud. Too bright. Too much touching. Too much sharing. Too much everything. She’d made sure Barriss had evaluations done in case it was something to be more concerned about. After three medics insisted it was nothing more than an adjustment period, Luminara had finally spoken to a counselor. 

Too much indeed.

By the time Barriss was going into her secondary school she’d declared that she didn’t need any special help and wanted to be back in public schools. She’d come armed with a few well known and popular sourced articles to prove it too. As soon as Luminara had backed off and let Barriss be on her own, her daughter appeared to flourish. Her grades, always good, became astounding. She was slotted into more and more advanced classes until Luminara’s head was left spinning. It was only when she’d offered to host a graduation party that reality was revealed.

Barriss was doing well academically and in her extracurriculars because she had socially isolated herself.

It was terrifying and sobering to realize that her daughter might not be as well off as she’d assumed. That Barriss had not felt comfortable to tell her own mother about her struggles. It had become an argument, a debate, and a fight. Then, suddenly, Barriss had wanted to move out of their apartment for college. Luminara’s foot had come down and to her shock Barriss fought back. Her Barriss had never once refused once Luminara had made up her mind. Her lack of social interaction and support network had been a constant source of conflict for almost a full year before she finally left for university. 

That had been another whole ordeal. Their tentative cease fire and living agreement hovered over their heads like a particularly pesky advertisement droid desperate to make a sale. She was proud of Barriss, excited to see her tackle the newest chapter in her life, and apparently not allowed to say things like, “I hope you and your roommate get along well.” They agreed to not argue and to speak with one another weekly if possible. The only glimmer of reconciliation coming when Barriss had gotten pushy about her finally getting back out in the field.

“ _ You’ve been stuck planetside because of me, at least think about going out again? _ ” Barriss had pleaded as they hugged goodbye.

When a representative of Chieftain Attabura offered her a spot in their mid forest expedition, Luminara had taken the chance. If her own daughter could brave her discomfort, then so could she. The distance, however, only seemed to strain their relationship further as Barriss suffered and pretended she wasn’t.

But that had changed, hadn’t it?

It felt like a blessing to know that Barriss had not only found a friend in her roommate, but something more. Long before their introduction she spoke highly of the young woman, eyes going warm and soft in ways that tested Luminara’s ability to remain stoic. The few holos Barriss had sent of them since all sat in their frames, waiting to be activated. No longer Barriss alone with her awards, but Barriss smiling with her girlfriend. Barriss laughing and Ahsoka’s soft smile towards her. One where Ahsoka was looking at something just off screen and Barriss stared at her like there was nothing more important in the world. For some reason there was one of the two of them with a giant platter of cheese, but they were both flushed and laughing. And really that was what mattered.

She turned and quickly gave one last prayer of thanks that her daughter was happy. Finally, truly, happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She loves her daughter y'all, if only the two of them actually had conversation instead of joint one sided lectures. :|
> 
> Up Next: Even though the fete week is going well, Barriss and Ahsoka both let the stress go right to their heads.


	12. Barriss and Ahsoka and The False Dichotomy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss and Ahsoka ride out the idea that they are both awful people to its breaking point while sharing the only bed available.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Happy" holidays everyone! :D

Barriss was half sprawled and half curled into Ahsoka’s side on her old bed staring up at the ceiling in defeat. Despite the planning, despite the controlled plotting, despite her careful execution- there was one thing she hadn’t factored into this holiday plan.

Her mother adored Ahsoka. 

She’d tastefully integrated images that Barriss had so painstakingly curated, and remembered every little off hand comment she’d ever made. Her mother had learned new recipes to cook to cater to Ahsoka’s tastes and dietary needs, and she’d purchased a new bottle of alcohol for the festivities just for her. Barriss had expected some politeness or even a bit of fondness at best. But it was strange to see her own mother turn to look at someone with such a delighted warmth who wasn’t, well, Barriss herself.

Almost worse, Ahsoka seemed to love her mother. Despite her informality, her respect for the older woman was obvious. She’d quizzed Barriss before coming and done  **actual** research and had brought gifts that were at least somewhat tailored. Barriss didn’t even know where she’d hidden them. Regardless of the way Ahsoka had fluctuated between excited and despondent leading up to the week itself, she’d been nothing but happy since they’d arrived. Genuinely happy just as Barriss had hoped.

Glaring at the small purple swirls on the ceiling molding, Barriss sighed. It was an unmitigated disaster made worse by her inability to foresee both her plans clashing.

There was no way she could break up with Ahsoka now!

She’d promised Ahsoka this would last until just after the holidays, but it was clear that the two of them were developing a good, robust relationship. If she broke up with Ahsoka now it would ruin their growing friendship. Her mother would never forgive Ahsoka, and Ahsoka would of course be willing to shoulder that kind of cold abuse because it was  _ Ahsoka _ ! Barriss would be responsible for lying  **even more** and for driving a wedge between the two people she cared about the most and that was truly despicable! Ha! A perfect Barriss plan she thought miserably.

But if they kept it going then when would they stop? What was the cut off? How could Barriss promise she wouldn’t just keep begging Ahsoka to lie and turn down other, better partners? Real partners who would be happy to go out on real dates in public! Barriss knew that she would never be happy to sit off to the side and smile as Ahsoka introduces her new partner. Barriss knew she would have to give up her friendship with Ahsoka entirely because she’d been selfish and thoughtless and cruel.

_ Congratulations, you are a horrible person. _

The clock flashed midnight into Benduday and Barriss gave a small emotionless laugh. “Happy new year.”

Ahsoka’s arms tightened and pulled Barriss closer in her half asleep state before mumbling, “Mappy who year.”

It was adorable. It was sweet and lovely and Barriss never wanted it to end. Her heart constricted painfully and Barriss took several quick breaths. She was not going to cry. She was  **_not_ ** , she was not.

Ahsoka jammed her nose into Barriss hair and muzzily dropped a kiss on her forehead before drifting fully back off to sleep again.

“This was a mistake,” Barriss whispered weakly at the ceiling.

What the hell was she supposed to do now? More importantly, how would she know that her newest scheme wouldn’t just make everything worse again. She couldn’t. She couldn’t. Barriss had no choice but to let the tears fall then. There were no other choices. There was no way out this time. She worked slowly and carefully to pull away from Ahsoka. She didn’t deserve to be comforted, to take advantage the way she was.

 

* * *

 

_ Ahsoka was trying to get the damned speeder to cooperate with her, fingers jabbing haphazardly at all the buttons she could try. Barriss was sitting next to her, feet propped up on the dash with a datapad held inches from her face as she tersely read off the instructions. It was all to no avail, nothing was labeled and Ahsoka couldn’t remember how any of it worked. _

_ “-you then enter the first sequence again, twisting the throttle at the same time.” Barriss’s voice was tight with frustration. _

_ Ahsoka gulped as she stared at all the levers she’d pulled. “Uh, what’s the uh, the first-” _

_ “Honestly,” Barriss snapped, “Keep up. You start the ignition, pump the lateral thrusters, and make sure to inform the control tower of your new heading.” _

_ “Right!” Ahsoka blinked back tears of frustration. She  _ **_knew_ ** _ that, she just needed a little reminder! _

_ “You have flown a speeder before haven’t you? It’s not that difficult.” Barriss grumbled, glaring as her glass of water almost spilled. “Keep it level at least.” _

_ Oh no. That’s right. Ahsoka had never flown a speeder before. She’d only ever watched Anakin fly! Kriff! She didn’t even have a permit to be driving because she failed the exam! But if she told Barriss she’d hate her and Ahsoka couldn’t stand the thought of that. _

_ “I’ve got it now, don’t worry!” Ahsoka stomped her foot, pretending to pump the thrusters and searched in vain for the ignition.  _

_ The speeder began to plummet, and Ahsoka felt sick.  _

_ Barriss glared at her as she undid her safety restraints and popped the top off. “Well that’s that then. Better deploy your parachute.” _

_ “My what?” Ahsoka asked, voice strangled as Barriss pulled on a cord and deployed her parachute. The wind pulled Barriss up and away to safety while Ahsoka looked around for hers.  _

_ Oh-oh no, that’s what that silk cube had been back at the dorm room! She’d just ignored it like an idiot! Ahsoka turned in terror to watch as the quad green stretched endlessly before her bracing for impact as- _

Ahsoka grunted awake, jerking as she expected to become paste on the grass. She huffed as the dream passed, feeling stupid for having been so worried about it. Something about not driving a speeder and forgetting her “standardized parachute”? It took her another ten seconds to remember she was at Luminara Unduli’s apartment, and her half asleep brain another few moments before it wondered where Barriss was.

Moving as quietly as she dared, Ahsoka rolled over and prayed she hadn’t accidentally shoved Barriss out of her own karking bed because her subconscious was unsubtle and an asshole. She felt a wave of cool relief to see Barriss still on the bed, and not sleeping awkwardly in a chair somewhere in the name of being polite. 

As the night had come to a close Ahsoka had been feeling stuffed, a little drunk, and unaccountably happy for the first time in years around the holidays. Everything from the amazing dinner to the conversation had been enjoyable. Dr. Unduli was a fabulous host and Ahsoka was grateful to have begged for Obi-Wan’s help in getting her a new set of high quality sketchbooks for her work. It had even come with the bonus of watching Obi-Wan turn shades as he squeaked on about how they used to be friends, especially because it sounded like maybe it had been more than friends which just mortified him even more. When Ahsoka had started to yawn she and Barriss had been shooed away to sleep in the only available bedroom. Barriss’s bedroom with her one bed. She’d lucked out because Barriss had curled up in her arms like it was the most natural place to be before they’d gone to sleep.

Actually, it was probably the best night she’d had all semester.

After squinting at Barriss’s back, Ahsoka decided to try and stealth cuddle again. She already knew that she’d plead her case because the bed was a little small, but she was also feeling more and more confident that she wouldn’t need to. Despite wanting to stubbornly refuse that Anakin had known before anyone else, Ahsoka was being forced to admit that maybe they were actually kind of dating. And far more importantly that she didn’t mind. Moving as smoothly as she could, Ahsoka wrapped her arm back around Barriss’s waist.

And felt her freeze up.

“Hey, you ok?” Ahsoka whispered and pushed herself up on an elbow. When Barriss didn’t respond she tried to lean over her just enough to see her face. “Barriss?”

It was like ice running through her veins to realize that Barriss was crying.

“Whoa! Hey, it’s ok! It’s alright. What’s wrong?” Babbling, she reminded herself, wouldn’t help anyone.

Barriss sniffled miserably, curled up tighter, and refused to answer. 

Ahsoka swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Ok, what do you need? Can I help?”

When Barriss still didn’t respond, Ahsoka asked, “Do, do you want me to leave?”

_ Don’t let it be me, don’t let it be me, don’t let it be me, don’t let it- _

Barriss flipped around lightning fast, arms wrapping around her as she shook and sobbed. Ahsoka pulled them both up to sit against the wall, rubbing small circles on her back and softly saying anything she could think of until she ran out of platitudes. Barriss didn’t say anything, only held on with a bruising grip until she slowly wore herself out. Drifting off to an uneasy sleep in Ahsoka’s arms. She felt helpless as she watched, unable to help, unable to fix it.

It felt like an eternity, and it gave Ahsoka far too much time to think. To think about how Barriss had been so nervous about Ahsoka coming along for the holidays, and the way she had accidentally guilt tripped her into letting her come. Think about the way Barriss had complained about how she disliked lying to her mother. Think about the attempted break up, Barriss’s nervous hovering the closer the holidays had gotten. The nerve wracking way Barriss had gone silent and distant even tucked under Ahsoka’s arm on the train ride over. Like so many of the blinding neon signs around the planet had fallen into perfect alignment, Ahsoka suddenly could see a pattern. Something stretching back months and burning into her brain. 

Barriss was miserable because of their relationship, fake or not, it was hurting her. Barriss was miserable...because of her, and Ahsoka had done nothing but push her luck once she’d decided it was for the best. 

Ahsoka suppressed a watery frown as she gently laid Barriss down. There was, it turned out, something she could do about this. One thing that would take all the pressure off of Barriss.

She just needed to brave enough to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A false dichotomy is a type of informal fallacy in which something is falsely claimed to be an "either/or" situation, when in fact there is at least one additional option. The false dichotomy fallacy can also arise simply by accidental omission of additional options rather than by deliberate deception.
> 
> Such as, "Either my mother will hate me, or my Ahsoka will." or "Either I am happy we are dating and Barriss is miserable, or I am miserable that we aren't and Barriss is happy."
> 
>  
> 
> ANYWAYS there's a reason the last chapter's coming out tomorrow, and this is it. Someone help them!
> 
> Up Next: Luminara gets more information and helps them.


	13. Luminara and Making Her Family Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t really that funny of a thought, but with her emotions stretched so thin Luminara still chuckled. “My apologies. It’s just...only my Barriss would find a way to create a problem with such an obvious solution."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually happy holidays!

The night had been an unequivocal success!

Ahsoka had been endearing in person, eager and smart, and happy to participate. If there had been one thing Luminara had been nervous about coming into the festivities, it had been the irrational fear that she and Ahsoka wouldn’t get along. On the other end of a surprising few hours of conversation and an indulgent meal, it was the most ridiculous thing to be worried about. Luminara was rather sure after this first meeting that Ahsoka most likely made friends everywhere she went. She was exceedingly observant of her surroundings and was flexible enough to adjust to situations. Ahsoka also seemed to exude the sort of confidence that made everyone around her that much more confident themselves. Barriss was certainly more relaxed that usual, and Luminara had been thrilled to watch her daughter actually participate in their conversations. Barriss had even obliged to wear one of the little paper hats at Ahsoka’s insistence, the little hats she’d refused to wear since she was six. Not worried about looking silly as Ahsoka reached up to re-position it to what she assured was a jaunty angle, only giving her mother a single soft glare when Luminara snuck a quick holopic instead of storming off to her room.

After two glasses of brandy and more food than Luminara had thought could physical fit inside a person, Ahsoka had started to yawn. Oh she’d tried to hide it politely, but of all the things Ahsoka was, subtle was not one of them. It had been easy to send them off.

She felt like she was floating an inch off the ground just riding on the waves of her daughter’s happiness. Between that and a glass of wine, Luminara had slowly cleaned up from the dinner and prepped what she could for breakfast. She had thought of nothing more than where she’d place the shooting star and how she could convince Barriss to allow a family photo when she’d walked past the living room towards her own bed. A living room which should have been pitch black at this time of night.

Instead, Luminara found Ahsoka staring at one of the holos of her and Barriss, the blue tinted lighting the only thing keeping her from being shrouded in total darkness. She hesitated, looking at the heartbreaking sadness and resignation on the young woman’s face before stepping out of the shadows herself.

“Is everything alright?”

“Dr. Unduli,” Ahsoka paused, and Luminara felt the hairs on her arms lift. Ahsoka had quickly settled on calling her by her first name despite Barriss squawking about propriety, to have reverted back was concerning. “I need to tell you something. I, well, I want you to know- and I think you do, that I really love your daughter. Barriss is amazing. She’s, ha, she’s basically perfect.” 

Ahsoka finally turned to look at her. “But she’s been very worried tonight. About you.”

“Me?” Luminara squinted slightly, walking closer to help lower their voices. As if her daughter would magically appear if they were too loud. Considering Barriss’s ability to silently appear at her elbow, some quick observation or question on her tongue, Luminara would rather be cautious than regretful.

“Yeah. She knows that you worry about her, and...I think she’s really worried that you don’t approve of her. Or at least, that you’re not satisfied with who she is?” Ahsoka’s eyes flashed bright yellow as she turned to look at her.

It felt like she was falling, like someone had slapped her. The warmth of the evening dissipating into fragile ice crystals. Her voice didn’t shake though. “I’m  _ more  _ than satisfied, I’m  **_proud_ ** of her.”

Ahsoka smiled sadly, “I know. But she doesn’t and she thought the best way to help...alleviate your fears over who she is was to, well.”

The sensation of falling became worse as Ahsoka laughed motioning at herself. It wasn’t what she would call a happy laugh.

Little puzzles pieces, which Luminara hadn’t even know were there, suddenly fell into place. Each one slotting smoothly together, creating a terrible imagine.

No. Barriss wouldn’t lie about something like this. Not something so contentious between them, not something so important. She wouldn’t lie about falling in love-

“Well, that was me. We aren’t actually together. I promise I didn’t say yes to take advantage. I said yes because she looked so scared and hopeful, and...I always want her to look at me with that kind of hope. I think that lying to you is taking its toll though. She’s miserable.” Ahsoka swiped at her cheeks, half turned away as she did. “I don’t want her to be miserable anymore because I’m too selfish to say no. She shouldn’t be miserable because of me.”

Her heart refused.

Moving without real thought, Luminara marched forward and quickly flicked through the holos, the same ones Luminara had so happily received for the last several months. Pausing only when she found the one with Barriss staring so lovingly at Ahsoka. Luminara looked at it carefully, critically in fact, and found no difference now than she had four days ago. Her mind raced through all of their holocalls, the happy distant looks and sighs as Barriss described whatever it was Ahsoka had done now. None of it seemed any different than it had. There was really only one logical explanation for all of this conflicting information. Barriss thought she was, gods preserve, she thought she was using Ahsoka and  _ lying _ to her mother. She was making herself miserable thinking she had to put on a front when it would have been so much easier to just let life take the same path all on its own.

It wasn’t really that funny of a thought, but with her emotions stretched so thin Luminara still chuckled. “My apologies. It’s just...only my Barriss would find a way to create a problem with such an obvious solution. The way she talks about you, it’s clear that she has feelings for you. And Ahsoka, pardon the way this will sound, but it’s blatantly obvious to me that you have feelings for her. I’m more observant than she gives me credit for. I already knew she liked her roommate, perhaps more than expected, long before we were introduced.”

Turning to look at her, Luminara was suddenly struck by how  **young** she was. Her eyes shining with unshed tears, and brow crumpled with confusion. Ahsoka wasn’t even twenty standard years old, Barriss wasn’t even twenty standard years old! Gods preserve...they were both so, very young. Luminara remembered all too well how youth had made so many things seem so much more complicated than they were. Especially matters of the heart. The way she’d lacked the experience to simply say what she really meant at their same age.

That despite how far they both had come, neither of them had experienced anything like this before. No. No, her heart refused!

“I don’t believe you leaving her now would do either her or you, or even me any favors.” Luminara smiled. “If you want my advice, it would be to keep doing what you’re doing. Which, by the way, is dating my daughter.”

“...seriously?” Ahsoka was looking at her with some skepticism and a small hopeful smile. The light returning to her eyes as it had been all night.

Luminara gently grabbed Ahsoka’s shoulders, leaning in as if she was imparting the most important of secrets. Perhaps she was. “I am deadly serious. I’m telling you right now I approve if that makes a difference.”

“Oh...wow…thanks for that.” she sniffled, her smile blooming into something bright and uplifting before she pulled Luminara into a hug. It was a bit too tight and one lekku squished into the side of her face, while Luminara could feel her simple headdress being knocked askew.

She wouldn’t have traded it for the galaxy.

“There’s no need to thank me for telling the truth and stating my opinion. That said, I don’t suppose you would come to my next debate? I could use such a heartfelt response in the audience.” She was gratified when Ahsoka laughed, even if she had to shush her while motioning upstairs. “Go be with her, we’ll settle this in the morning.”

Ahsoka looked towards the stairs, eyes tracking to where Barriss’s old room was before nodding. “Yeah, I can definitely do that. But maybe...I think I have a plan.”

Luminara found herself matching Ahsoka’s determined grin, “I knew I liked you.”

 

* * *

 

Barriss wasn’t sure what happened last night exactly, but it was clear between her frankly inappropriate breakdown on her childhood bed and coming down for breakfast, her mother and Ahsoka had planned...something. Her mother gave no clear indication but Ahsoka was practically vibrating out of her seat. Barriss had long ago learned how to tell when Ahsoka’s fidgeting meant she was up to something, especially when that something was supposed to be a pleasant surprise for her. Of course her mother’s pure nonchalance was almost as glaring of a give away.

Still, it wouldn’t do to call them on it, they’d both just deny it and drag the whole affair on longer. She didn’t think her heart could take that. So instead Barriss miserably accepted her tea and suspiciously watched them both as her mother prayed and offered thanks. Ahsoka watched curiously but the second she knew she could, she inhaled her food with a single mindedness that still surprised. Her mother watched the spectacle with a wry grin, only pausing to push more food in Ahsoka’s direction before attending to her own moderate portion.

Barriss managed three bites before she nearly threw up from nerves. It took no time at all to make desperate eye contact with Ahsoka, who paused with one cheek bulging with food, before blushing. Barriss tried to ignore her mother’s “disinterested” staring, finding her own spent emotions failing to do much more than make her exhausted. Ahsoka swallowed hastily.

“So I, uh,  just wanted to ask you something.” Ahsoka finally said as she smiled sheepishly. “Would you...uh, would you like to go out sometime? For like, a date? Cause I’d really like to keep dating you if that’s alright.”

Barriss froze. Her brain tried to kick back into gear. But it froze as well. What...what? Wait. 

“Because, I know we said we were fake dating, but everyone's kinda been pointing out to me that we aren’t faking anything? It’s ok if you don’t want to! I, uh, you know?”

Barriss opened her mouth, closed it, looked at her mother who was so smug and proud as she mouthed, “Well done Barriss!” So she knew. How long had she known? When had Ahsoka told her?

**_What was going on?_ **

“Are you...sure?” She finally asked, feeling a bit like she was floating dangerously close to something like joy or possibly a hysterical breakdown. “After I dragged you along for all of this?”

Ahsoka’s grin only turned up a few megawatts. “I think I took you out on the first three dates so really, I dragged  _ you _ along for all of this.”

It was everything she’d wanted and clearly too good to be true. Her mother stood and gave her a small hug before leaving the room, the small reassuring pats on her shoulders only weighing her down. Was she supposed to feel this numb over something this good? That didn’t seem right. Looking up, she could see Ahsoka was still smiling and clearly ready to wait however long it took.

“I suppose,” Barriss finally conceded, looking down at her toast as if the answer was burned into the bread.

“Let me know if I’m being pushy.” Ahsoka said, as one hand reached across the table to gently rest over hers. “I can kriff right off if you want.”

“Language,” Barriss mindlessly admonished even as she turned her hand upwards to desperately clutch at Ahsoka’s trembling hand like a lifeline.

Ahsoka was trembling. Ahsoka, her bastion from her own battering emotions, was shaking. With fear? Excitement? And despite her stupefied silence, she was still sitting there patiently. Was holding her hand.  _ She’s holding my hand! Idiot, she just asked you to date her! _

“I think- I think I’d like that.” Barriss suddenly felt shy as she looked up. The strange lightness leaving with every breath as Ahsoka’s hand became so much more solid and real in hers. Grounding.

Ahsoka slumped in relief. “Good. That’s good then. I appreciate it. You. This. Words.”

The laughter bubbled up from somewhere behind her ribs, bursting forth in fits and starts as she agreed, “Words.”

Ahsoka scooted her chair closer, causing a particularly high pitched squeak, which only prompted another set of giggles before pulling Barriss into her for a hug. “Words are good!”

When her lower back couldn’t take it anymore Barriss pushed back out of the embrace and finally, finally kissed Ahsoka. She was doing it. She was kissing Ahsoka. Ahsoka! Wow! Shaking with her own excitement Barriss giggled as they parted, Ahsoka quickly dissolving into laughter with her. She could do this. This was happening. This was good and it was for her, and she wanted it. She could have it too!

_ Happy fete week to me. _

Barriss only found her emotional roller coaster stalling as she finally processed part of what Ahsoka had said, “Wait, what do you mean everyone?”

Ahsoka’s laughter became distinctly higher pitched as she waved a hand. “Uh, uh, well, everyone? I meant like, everyone I’ve, uh, talked to? Talked to. About us. I swear I didn’t just tell people I was fake dating! But they just kept assuming you turned me down when I was upset, or congratulating me when I was happy, and-and oh spirits they all kept giving me date suggestions!? Sometimes, like, phrased not as dates! But they knew.  **All** of them. Yeah. A-HEM. Words.”

Barriss managed to stop her mouth from flopping open and closed, but did not manage to stop the blush covering her face before there was a distinctive click whir of her mother taking a holo. “Mother!”

“Documentation is important Barriss, are we ready for a family photo then? I already spoke with Ahsoka about it last night.” Her mother painstakingly found a spot on the altar to place the camera, and everyone waited for a second in case the whole thing crumbled under the weight.

_ How many bloody things did they talk about at goodness knows when last night? _ “When did you…?”

“I may have had a breakdown?” Ahsoka whispered, lekku twitching as she ducked to be a little shorter for the holo. “Your mom said I was cool and that we should keep dating.”

“I’m wise,” Luminara said with a grin before pointing at the camera, “say Romance Isn’t Dead!”

The picture ended up with Ahsoka laughing, blurred as she reached to cover her face, Luminara looking at the camera with a wide grin, and Barriss staring at her in mortification.

In other words, perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that then!
> 
> While I do have other ideas for this AU I don't have anything written up at this time, so if/when this continues it will be as a new story continuing to follow the new (now official) couple! Come hit me up on tumblr at nny11writes.tumblr.com for more fics, or if you want to prompt me to write something. I tend to respond to every single prompt I've ever gotten because I have no self control and you all have amazing ideas. :D


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